TW: friend loss & mental health
Good morning, afternoon, and evening from the bathroom floor. Today's subject is, unfortunately, very relatable for most if not all of us. Grief is an aspect of being alive. It shows up and lives with you for a long time, if not forever. For as long as I can remember, grief has been controlling my life. I think it's important we know we're not alone.
Grief comes in many forms. But no one truly prepares you for when another person dies. In 7th grade, I met a guy named Alistair. He was making all this awesome art anywhere he could. In his notebook, on his arms, anywhere he could. He had the coolest dyed hair and glasses that matched his vibe perfectly. We clicked. Quick. We had our STEAM class together and spent the whole thing laughing. He was one of my closest friends. I moved across the country before 8th grade. We kept contact for a little bit, but ended up drifting apart. I haven't spoken to him in about 3 years. Today one of my closest friends from where I used to live texted.
"Did anyone ever tell you what happened to Alistair? You're the last one standing."
I knew what that meant. I just didn't want to believe it. So I said no. And she told me he died a year and a half ago. Even though we hadn't spoken in years, it shattered me. Here was this person, I considered one of my closest friends, who I would never get to talk to again. A year and a half. And no one told me.
I couldn't help but blame myself. I should've kept contact. I should've called. Sent a snap. Anything. And now, I couldn't. The guilt that came with me not knowing for over a year was destroying me. How could I not have known? I should've known better. I felt so empty.
I sat on the couch looking through our old messages. Here was this amazing person, that I just stopped talking to one day. All the messages about how much guys sucked, how I was his person, how we'd always be there, and all the stupid photos. I sent him a message. I know he can't reply, but I hope he's seeing it from wherever he is. I don't know how I'll manage this. I don't think I'll ever move on. But I wanted to let you all know that you're not alone. Grief affects everyone.
If you need help. Reach out to someone. I guarantee there is always someone who will miss you. That girl from 7th grade STEAM will leave school crying, even though you hadn't spoken in years. I'm sorry, Alistair. For everything you had to go through. You were such a kind, hilarious, artistic, gentle, and generous person. No matter what you were going through you were right there. For anyone and everyone. I would do anything to have you back. I love you, Alistair.
P.S. I found some of your old art. You were always so amazing at that. I hope you're still drawing.
Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988
SAMHSA's National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
Reach out to someone.