Grief is Excruciating

   TW: friend loss & mental health  

    Good morning, afternoon, and evening from the bathroom floor. Today's subject is, unfortunately, very relatable for most if not all of us. Grief is an aspect of being alive. It shows up and lives with you for a long time, if not forever. For as long as I can remember, grief has been controlling my life. I think it's important we know we're not alone. 

    Grief comes in many forms. But no one truly prepares you for when another person dies. In 7th grade, I met a guy named Alistair. He was making all this awesome art anywhere he could. In his notebook, on his arms, anywhere he could. He had the coolest dyed hair and glasses that matched his vibe perfectly. We clicked. Quick. We had our STEAM class together and spent the whole thing laughing. He was one of my closest friends. I moved across the country before 8th grade. We kept contact for a little bit, but ended up drifting apart. I haven't spoken to him in about 3 years. Today one of my closest friends from where I used to live texted. 

"Did anyone ever tell you what happened to Alistair? You're the last one standing." 

    I knew what that meant. I just didn't want to believe it. So I said no. And she told me he died a year and a half ago. Even though we hadn't spoken in years, it shattered me. Here was this person, I considered one of my closest friends, who I would never get to talk to again. A year and a half. And no one told me. 

    I couldn't help but blame myself. I should've kept contact. I should've called. Sent a snap. Anything. And now, I couldn't. The guilt that came with me not knowing for over a year was destroying me. How could I not have known? I should've known better. I felt so empty. 

    I sat on the couch looking through our old messages. Here was this amazing person, that I just stopped talking to one day. All the messages about how much guys sucked, how I was his person, how we'd always be there, and all the stupid photos. I sent him a message. I know he can't reply, but I hope he's seeing it from wherever he is. I don't know how I'll manage this. I don't think I'll ever move on. But I wanted to let you all know that you're not alone. Grief affects everyone. 

    If you need help. Reach out to someone. I guarantee there is always someone who will miss you. That girl from 7th grade STEAM will leave school crying, even though you hadn't spoken in years. I'm sorry, Alistair. For everything you had to go through. You were such a kind, hilarious, artistic, gentle, and generous person. No matter what you were going through you were right there. For anyone and everyone. I would do anything to have you back. I love you, Alistair. 

P.S. I found some of your old art. You were always so amazing at that. I hope you're still drawing. 

Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988

SAMHSA's National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

Reach out to someone.

Spoiler: Music Controls Your Mood

     Good morning, afternoon, evening, and goodnight from the bathroom floor. After my experiences today, I realized the profound impact that something has on your life. That thing is music. Yes, you hear everyone say it. "If you listen to sad music you're sad." "You're not helping it." Honestly, I just get more annoyed if I'm listening to Pocketful of Sunshine. (Don't get me wrong it's a good song just not when I'm pissed off.)

    Since my sophomore year of high school (at present a senior), I've got into my car and immediately started listening to Pushing it Down and Praying by Lizzy McAlpine at 8 in the morning and expected to have a good day. Now come on. I wasn't doing myself any favors. And with Phoebe dropping Lost Weekend right before senior year, it's quite literally been my top album since it came out. 

Lowk me every morning

    After having a series of rather awful days, I decided to be "hype" today. I got in my little fishbowl of a car and I turned on the song Dance Yrself Clean by LCD Soundsystem. I'd heard it on TikTok and was really vibing to it so I gave it a shot. I hit the repeat button and drove to go pick up my best friend. Was my car shaking a bit with how high I had it turned up? Yes. But I was also significantly more excited for the day than normal. All of ceramics class: listening to Dance Yrself Clean. Telling my ceramics teacher, who normally tells me to stop being a Debbie Downer, to "Dance it out." I was so positive it made me nauseous. But it was also kind of fun.

    My last class of the day was kind of a bummer for me. My immediate reaction was I must listen to Lost Weekend Reprise on repeat. That'll make it all better. WRONG. Guess what I turned on. Dance Yrself Clean. And instead of crying when I got home and feeling sorry for myself, I made pasta and watched the Great Pottery Throwdown. Life actually isn't that bad. I'll probably take that back in a day but that's besides the point. Yes the sad music is comforting. Yes it sounds so good. But happiness actually feels pretty good too, if not better. Find yourself a song that you feel good about. I call it my bumpin' song. Since it makes me wanna dance as someone who literally has never busted a move in her life. 

    Well that's my two cents for today. You've been great. And tip your waitress. Just kidding, there is no waitress. 

Getting Comfortable with Doing Things Alone

     Good morning, afternoon, and evening from the bathroom floor. I know I disappeared for a second there, the school year starting threw off my vibe. Today I wanna talk about something I'm still in the process of learning: how to do things alone. Throughout my life, I've missed out on a lot of opportunities just because I didn't want to do it alone. But I've also always been sort of alone. Even with a huge friend group, or just one close friend, I still have this loneliness taking over me. I think it stems from the feeling that nobody really knows me. Not that I let them. But it feels as though no one takes the time to. So my mission, in my senior year of high school, is to get comfortable being alone. In Nadine's words from The Edge of Seventeen, "I have to spend the rest of my life with myself." So I guess we have to get comfortable with ourselves, right?

    I think we're both pondering how you do that. Personally, I think it starts small. I have a car. License. Money. Free will. But I don't do anything with it. I sulk in bed all day complaining to myself about feeling alone. Start small. I went to the grocery store alone. Then I went to get some painting stuff. I got food alone. Picked up my antidepressants alone. I'm doing some gradual exposure here. My next plans (although quite the large jump), are to go on a hike. No one's coming. Just me. And my headphones, obviously. There won't be someone holding your hand for the rest of your life. No one talking at the doctors for you. Ordering food for you. Speaking for you. You have to be your own advocate. 

    If you're anything like me, the thought of doing stuff alone at school is terrifying. Literally a trigger of my fight or flight. The other day at school, I went out to lunch, sat down at the lunch table, and waited. I expected everyone to come around since their stuff was sitting at the table. But I spent that 30 minute lunch period completely alone. Naturally, this was reminiscent of my elementary years so I began to tear up. Although I made a decision. I needed to be okay with being alone. And yeah, it really sucked. Sitting alone at lunch watching everyone laugh with their friends. But I made the most of it. I thought about bursting into my favorite teachers room and crying. I thought about locking myself in a bathroom stall and calling my mom. But I decided not to. I sat there, for 30 minutes, doodling in my AP Stats notebook. And guess what, I survived. And it was okay. Being alone was okay. 

    We can't run from ourselves forever. We are in fact stuck with our reflection. So you better get comfortable with it. You'll warm up to it, just like you did to the bathroom floor.