Spoiler: Music Controls Your Mood

     Good morning, afternoon, evening, and goodnight from the bathroom floor. After my experiences today, I realized the profound impact that something has on your life. That thing is music. Yes, you hear everyone say it. "If you listen to sad music you're sad." "You're not helping it." Honestly, I just get more annoyed if I'm listening to Pocketful of Sunshine. (Don't get me wrong it's a good song just not when I'm pissed off.)

    Since my sophomore year of high school (at present a senior), I've got into my car and immediately started listening to Pushing it Down and Praying by Lizzy McAlpine at 8 in the morning and expected to have a good day. Now come on. I wasn't doing myself any favors. And with Phoebe dropping Lost Weekend right before senior year, it's quite literally been my top album since it came out. 

Lowk me every morning

    After having a series of rather awful days, I decided to be "hype" today. I got in my little fishbowl of a car and I turned on the song Dance Yrself Clean by LCD Soundsystem. I'd heard it on TikTok and was really vibing to it so I gave it a shot. I hit the repeat button and drove to go pick up my best friend. Was my car shaking a bit with how high I had it turned up? Yes. But I was also significantly more excited for the day than normal. All of ceramics class: listening to Dance Yrself Clean. Telling my ceramics teacher, who normally tells me to stop being a Debbie Downer, to "Dance it out." I was so positive it made me nauseous. But it was also kind of fun.

    My last class of the day was kind of a bummer for me. My immediate reaction was I must listen to Lost Weekend Reprise on repeat. That'll make it all better. WRONG. Guess what I turned on. Dance Yrself Clean. And instead of crying when I got home and feeling sorry for myself, I made pasta and watched the Great Pottery Throwdown. Life actually isn't that bad. I'll probably take that back in a day but that's besides the point. Yes the sad music is comforting. Yes it sounds so good. But happiness actually feels pretty good too, if not better. Find yourself a song that you feel good about. I call it my bumpin' song. Since it makes me wanna dance as someone who literally has never busted a move in her life. 

    Well that's my two cents for today. You've been great. And tip your waitress. Just kidding, there is no waitress. 

Getting Comfortable with Doing Things Alone

     Good morning, afternoon, and evening from the bathroom floor. I know I disappeared for a second there, the school year starting threw off my vibe. Today I wanna talk about something I'm still in the process of learning: how to do things alone. Throughout my life, I've missed out on a lot of opportunities just because I didn't want to do it alone. But I've also always been sort of alone. Even with a huge friend group, or just one close friend, I still have this loneliness taking over me. I think it stems from the feeling that nobody really knows me. Not that I let them. But it feels as though no one takes the time to. So my mission, in my senior year of high school, is to get comfortable being alone. In Nadine's words from The Edge of Seventeen, "I have to spend the rest of my life with myself." So I guess we have to get comfortable with ourselves, right?

    I think we're both pondering how you do that. Personally, I think it starts small. I have a car. License. Money. Free will. But I don't do anything with it. I sulk in bed all day complaining to myself about feeling alone. Start small. I went to the grocery store alone. Then I went to get some painting stuff. I got food alone. Picked up my antidepressants alone. I'm doing some gradual exposure here. My next plans (although quite the large jump), are to go on a hike. No one's coming. Just me. And my headphones, obviously. There won't be someone holding your hand for the rest of your life. No one talking at the doctors for you. Ordering food for you. Speaking for you. You have to be your own advocate. 

    If you're anything like me, the thought of doing stuff alone at school is terrifying. Literally a trigger of my fight or flight. The other day at school, I went out to lunch, sat down at the lunch table, and waited. I expected everyone to come around since their stuff was sitting at the table. But I spent that 30 minute lunch period completely alone. Naturally, this was reminiscent of my elementary years so I began to tear up. Although I made a decision. I needed to be okay with being alone. And yeah, it really sucked. Sitting alone at lunch watching everyone laugh with their friends. But I made the most of it. I thought about bursting into my favorite teachers room and crying. I thought about locking myself in a bathroom stall and calling my mom. But I decided not to. I sat there, for 30 minutes, doodling in my AP Stats notebook. And guess what, I survived. And it was okay. Being alone was okay. 

    We can't run from ourselves forever. We are in fact stuck with our reflection. So you better get comfortable with it. You'll warm up to it, just like you did to the bathroom floor.