Getting Comfortable with Doing Things Alone

     Good morning, afternoon, and evening from the bathroom floor. I know I disappeared for a second there, the school year starting threw off my vibe. Today I wanna talk about something I'm still in the process of learning: how to do things alone. Throughout my life, I've missed out on a lot of opportunities just because I didn't want to do it alone. But I've also always been sort of alone. Even with a huge friend group, or just one close friend, I still have this loneliness taking over me. I think it stems from the feeling that nobody really knows me. Not that I let them. But it feels as though no one takes the time to. So my mission, in my senior year of high school, is to get comfortable being alone. In Nadine's words from The Edge of Seventeen, "I have to spend the rest of my life with myself." So I guess we have to get comfortable with ourselves, right?

    I think we're both pondering how you do that. Personally, I think it starts small. I have a car. License. Money. Free will. But I don't do anything with it. I sulk in bed all day complaining to myself about feeling alone. Start small. I went to the grocery store alone. Then I went to get some painting stuff. I got food alone. Picked up my antidepressants alone. I'm doing some gradual exposure here. My next plans (although quite the large jump), are to go on a hike. No one's coming. Just me. And my headphones, obviously. There won't be someone holding your hand for the rest of your life. No one talking at the doctors for you. Ordering food for you. Speaking for you. You have to be your own advocate. 

    If you're anything like me, the thought of doing stuff alone at school is terrifying. Literally a trigger of my fight or flight. The other day at school, I went out to lunch, sat down at the lunch table, and waited. I expected everyone to come around since their stuff was sitting at the table. But I spent that 30 minute lunch period completely alone. Naturally, this was reminiscent of my elementary years so I began to tear up. Although I made a decision. I needed to be okay with being alone. And yeah, it really sucked. Sitting alone at lunch watching everyone laugh with their friends. But I made the most of it. I thought about bursting into my favorite teachers room and crying. I thought about locking myself in a bathroom stall and calling my mom. But I decided not to. I sat there, for 30 minutes, doodling in my AP Stats notebook. And guess what, I survived. And it was okay. Being alone was okay. 

    We can't run from ourselves forever. We are in fact stuck with our reflection. So you better get comfortable with it. You'll warm up to it, just like you did to the bathroom floor.