Grief is Excruciating

   TW: friend loss & mental health  

    Good morning, afternoon, and evening from the bathroom floor. Today's subject is, unfortunately, very relatable for most if not all of us. Grief is an aspect of being alive. It shows up and lives with you for a long time, if not forever. For as long as I can remember, grief has been controlling my life. I think it's important we know we're not alone. 

    Grief comes in many forms. But no one truly prepares you for when another person dies. In 7th grade, I met a guy named Alistair. He was making all this awesome art anywhere he could. In his notebook, on his arms, anywhere he could. He had the coolest dyed hair and glasses that matched his vibe perfectly. We clicked. Quick. We had our STEAM class together and spent the whole thing laughing. He was one of my closest friends. I moved across the country before 8th grade. We kept contact for a little bit, but ended up drifting apart. I haven't spoken to him in about 3 years. Today one of my closest friends from where I used to live texted. 

"Did anyone ever tell you what happened to Alistair? You're the last one standing." 

    I knew what that meant. I just didn't want to believe it. So I said no. And she told me he died a year and a half ago. Even though we hadn't spoken in years, it shattered me. Here was this person, I considered one of my closest friends, who I would never get to talk to again. A year and a half. And no one told me. 

    I couldn't help but blame myself. I should've kept contact. I should've called. Sent a snap. Anything. And now, I couldn't. The guilt that came with me not knowing for over a year was destroying me. How could I not have known? I should've known better. I felt so empty. 

    I sat on the couch looking through our old messages. Here was this amazing person, that I just stopped talking to one day. All the messages about how much guys sucked, how I was his person, how we'd always be there, and all the stupid photos. I sent him a message. I know he can't reply, but I hope he's seeing it from wherever he is. I don't know how I'll manage this. I don't think I'll ever move on. But I wanted to let you all know that you're not alone. Grief affects everyone. 

    If you need help. Reach out to someone. I guarantee there is always someone who will miss you. That girl from 7th grade STEAM will leave school crying, even though you hadn't spoken in years. I'm sorry, Alistair. For everything you had to go through. You were such a kind, hilarious, artistic, gentle, and generous person. No matter what you were going through you were right there. For anyone and everyone. I would do anything to have you back. I love you, Alistair. 

P.S. I found some of your old art. You were always so amazing at that. I hope you're still drawing. 

Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988

SAMHSA's National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

Reach out to someone.

Spoiler: Music Controls Your Mood

     Good morning, afternoon, evening, and goodnight from the bathroom floor. After my experiences today, I realized the profound impact that something has on your life. That thing is music. Yes, you hear everyone say it. "If you listen to sad music you're sad." "You're not helping it." Honestly, I just get more annoyed if I'm listening to Pocketful of Sunshine. (Don't get me wrong it's a good song just not when I'm pissed off.)

    Since my sophomore year of high school (at present a senior), I've got into my car and immediately started listening to Pushing it Down and Praying by Lizzy McAlpine at 8 in the morning and expected to have a good day. Now come on. I wasn't doing myself any favors. And with Phoebe dropping Lost Weekend right before senior year, it's quite literally been my top album since it came out. 

Lowk me every morning

    After having a series of rather awful days, I decided to be "hype" today. I got in my little fishbowl of a car and I turned on the song Dance Yrself Clean by LCD Soundsystem. I'd heard it on TikTok and was really vibing to it so I gave it a shot. I hit the repeat button and drove to go pick up my best friend. Was my car shaking a bit with how high I had it turned up? Yes. But I was also significantly more excited for the day than normal. All of ceramics class: listening to Dance Yrself Clean. Telling my ceramics teacher, who normally tells me to stop being a Debbie Downer, to "Dance it out." I was so positive it made me nauseous. But it was also kind of fun.

    My last class of the day was kind of a bummer for me. My immediate reaction was I must listen to Lost Weekend Reprise on repeat. That'll make it all better. WRONG. Guess what I turned on. Dance Yrself Clean. And instead of crying when I got home and feeling sorry for myself, I made pasta and watched the Great Pottery Throwdown. Life actually isn't that bad. I'll probably take that back in a day but that's besides the point. Yes the sad music is comforting. Yes it sounds so good. But happiness actually feels pretty good too, if not better. Find yourself a song that you feel good about. I call it my bumpin' song. Since it makes me wanna dance as someone who literally has never busted a move in her life. 

    Well that's my two cents for today. You've been great. And tip your waitress. Just kidding, there is no waitress. 

Getting Comfortable with Doing Things Alone

     Good morning, afternoon, and evening from the bathroom floor. I know I disappeared for a second there, the school year starting threw off my vibe. Today I wanna talk about something I'm still in the process of learning: how to do things alone. Throughout my life, I've missed out on a lot of opportunities just because I didn't want to do it alone. But I've also always been sort of alone. Even with a huge friend group, or just one close friend, I still have this loneliness taking over me. I think it stems from the feeling that nobody really knows me. Not that I let them. But it feels as though no one takes the time to. So my mission, in my senior year of high school, is to get comfortable being alone. In Nadine's words from The Edge of Seventeen, "I have to spend the rest of my life with myself." So I guess we have to get comfortable with ourselves, right?

    I think we're both pondering how you do that. Personally, I think it starts small. I have a car. License. Money. Free will. But I don't do anything with it. I sulk in bed all day complaining to myself about feeling alone. Start small. I went to the grocery store alone. Then I went to get some painting stuff. I got food alone. Picked up my antidepressants alone. I'm doing some gradual exposure here. My next plans (although quite the large jump), are to go on a hike. No one's coming. Just me. And my headphones, obviously. There won't be someone holding your hand for the rest of your life. No one talking at the doctors for you. Ordering food for you. Speaking for you. You have to be your own advocate. 

    If you're anything like me, the thought of doing stuff alone at school is terrifying. Literally a trigger of my fight or flight. The other day at school, I went out to lunch, sat down at the lunch table, and waited. I expected everyone to come around since their stuff was sitting at the table. But I spent that 30 minute lunch period completely alone. Naturally, this was reminiscent of my elementary years so I began to tear up. Although I made a decision. I needed to be okay with being alone. And yeah, it really sucked. Sitting alone at lunch watching everyone laugh with their friends. But I made the most of it. I thought about bursting into my favorite teachers room and crying. I thought about locking myself in a bathroom stall and calling my mom. But I decided not to. I sat there, for 30 minutes, doodling in my AP Stats notebook. And guess what, I survived. And it was okay. Being alone was okay. 

    We can't run from ourselves forever. We are in fact stuck with our reflection. So you better get comfortable with it. You'll warm up to it, just like you did to the bathroom floor. 

Media That's Made Me Feel Less Alone (1/?)

     Good morning, afternoon, and evening from the bathroom floor. I'm gonna start a series (I know crazy). It's gonna be all about the media that's made me feel a hell of a lot less alone. Luckily, there's a good amount of it. It'll be anywhere from books, to movies, to paintings, and more. Today I need to talk about the movie that quite literally altered my life and I watch at least once a week: The Edge of Seventeen. 

    Here's a little summary (without spoilers) for those of you interested. Nadine is a 17 year old girl whose father passed away when she was younger. He was the only person she really connected with and now she's stuck with her mother, who loves to let her know she doesn't like her. To make matters even better, her older brother is extremely popular and those two do not get along. Eventually her best (and really only) friend begins to date her brother. This throws everything completely out of balance and Nadine's world starts spinning out of control. She'll occasionally vent to her teacher, but he responds with tough love. The story progresses from there. (GO WATCH THE MOVIE) (I screamed when it was on Disney+ because I payed to buy it).

    Nadine is a character of which I heavily resonate in. Having the golden child be your perfect amazing older brother. But the biggest thing that resulted in me seeing myself in her, was when she was drunk out of her mind, on the bathroom floor, her best friend holding her hair back, and she said, "I just had the worst thought. I gotta spend the rest of my life with myself." That's the kind of thought that I've been thinking since I was 11. And to hear that I wasn't crazy, that it was actually not insane to feel that way, I felt a little less alone. Actually a lot. Nadine is surrounded by people who don't understand her, who judge her for her every move and don't take into account how she's impacted by a situation. The portrayal of being a 17 year old girl, with no one to go to, no one who even attempts to understand, is unfortunately, something I resonate deeply with. I think Nadine's relationship with Mr. Bruner (her teacher), is especially relatable for more people than just me. When you have or have had a lack of parental presence, physically or emotionally, you are naturally drawn to adults who you feel can take on that role for you. I believe she especially trusted him because of her loss of her father. He became such a prominent figure in her life, especially as she and her mother began to clash more and more. I think she's such a good characterization of people who struggle with absent families, loneliness, and difficult home lives.

    Overall, The Edge Of Seventeen is literally a masterpiece that in my opinion, captures the essence of being a 17 year old girl. Every single scene has meaning; there's no filler scenes where you sit there and wonder what is happening. It's all meaningful and relatable to some degree. Watch it. 

Dealing with Burnout (1/3)

     Good morning, afternoon, and evening from the bathroom floor. Today's topic of discussion: burnout. As someone who grew up with a valedictorian dad, engineer brother, and a workaholic mother, I know how to push myself. In all aspects of life. In 5th grade I got a B+ in Music and locked myself in the pantry crying. I was sure I was going to be the next great disappointment and vowed to never get a B again. And sure, I've kept that promise throughout high school with a 4.0 unweighted GPA and tons of advanced and college classes. As a result, in the last half of my junior year of high school, I encountered a major burnout. Not only academically, but socially and overall of life in general. How did I get past this you may ask. Well I didn't get past all of it yet, but I've definitely made progress. And I refuse to not give myself credit. Don't forget to give yourself credit too. 

    Academic burnout. The most well known. If you're like me, you let one bad grade define you. Even an 89 is horrifying to look at. I quite literally had my brother send me his high school transcripts so that I could make sure I wouldn't disappoint my parents. My routine looked something like this: Wake up, study, school, go home, homework, study, lay on the floor, sleep. Not the best, right? I was practically digging myself into the ground doing that. When I started working everyday, it got even worse. Every single day was the same and I was exhausted. I was burnt out. How did I get out of that? I gave myself a break. At school a group of medical students came in to talk to us about the pathway. The main thing they preached: work life balance. Yes they worked hard, studied constantly, but they also had time to hang out with friends, and pursue hobbies WHILE being successful academically. For some reason, that sparked something in me. Even when I was drowning in homework, had 4 tests tomorrow, and infinite reasons to be stressed - I made time for myself. I spent more time in the ceramics studio during lunch and before school. I didn't dive into my homework the moment I got home from school or work. I took a moment. I made a snack, got a drink, sat outside, and listened to some music, or watched a video I'd been meaning to, or listened to a podcast I'd begun to enjoy. The academics started to feel a little less heavy. And yes, I did still cry after I got my IB Anthropology score. But I also took a moment. I let myself feel upset about it for under an hour, and I moved on with my life. I was so burnt out, and so miserable, because I wasn't caring about who I wanted to be. I was focused on what I thought I should be. I gave myself a break. I realized my worth wasn't rooted in my academic achievements, it was rooted in me. My morals, my personality, my sense of humor, my passions, and my ideas. 

    Maybe life wasn't so bad after all. Maybe the sheet I had on my wall tracking all my failures wasn't the best for my burn out. It was okay if I wasn't valedictorian, or as smart as my brother, or pushed myself as hard as my mom. That was okay. Because I'm my own person. 

Welcome to Talking from the Bathroom Floor

    Hello and welcome to the bathroom floor. Sit. Get comfortable. Stay a while. I know I do. If you're like me, you spend a lot of time thinking. And much of that thinking is spent on the bathroom floor while you remember that one time you tripped over a backpack in Junior English. Or those girls in middle school that just really did not like you. And you will never know why. Although maybe that's for the best. 

    There's no specific plan for this blog. Well that's a lie. There's a google doc with all my plans. Basically, think of it as half advice, half I'm still thinking about this one time and I'm still upset. You don't have to take any of it serious, but I'm writing what I think I would've liked to know before I experienced what I'm writing about. It'll be a little bit of here, a little bit of there. And don't hesitate to comment requests! I'm always open to ideas. Now to start us off strong, here's some of my favorite songs so you can get an idea of who I am:

• Daughter - Pearl Jam
• Warm Safe Place - Staind
• Counting Blue Cars (Tell Me Your Thoughts on God) - Dishwalla
• Freakin' out - Dexter and the Moonrocks
• You Oughta Know - Alanis Morissette
• High and Dry - Radiohead
• Rhiannon - Fleetwood Mac

    Welcome, and I promise, you'll warm up to the coldness of the bathroom floor.