Spoiler: Music Controls Your Mood

     Good morning, afternoon, evening, and goodnight from the bathroom floor. After my experiences today, I realized the profound impact that something has on your life. That thing is music. Yes, you hear everyone say it. "If you listen to sad music you're sad." "You're not helping it." Honestly, I just get more annoyed if I'm listening to Pocketful of Sunshine. (Don't get me wrong it's a good song just not when I'm pissed off.)

    Since my sophomore year of high school (at present a senior), I've got into my car and immediately started listening to Pushing it Down and Praying by Lizzy McAlpine at 8 in the morning and expected to have a good day. Now come on. I wasn't doing myself any favors. And with Phoebe dropping Lost Weekend right before senior year, it's quite literally been my top album since it came out. 

Lowk me every morning

    After having a series of rather awful days, I decided to be "hype" today. I got in my little fishbowl of a car and I turned on the song Dance Yrself Clean by LCD Soundsystem. I'd heard it on TikTok and was really vibing to it so I gave it a shot. I hit the repeat button and drove to go pick up my best friend. Was my car shaking a bit with how high I had it turned up? Yes. But I was also significantly more excited for the day than normal. All of ceramics class: listening to Dance Yrself Clean. Telling my ceramics teacher, who normally tells me to stop being a Debbie Downer, to "Dance it out." I was so positive it made me nauseous. But it was also kind of fun.

    My last class of the day was kind of a bummer for me. My immediate reaction was I must listen to Lost Weekend Reprise on repeat. That'll make it all better. WRONG. Guess what I turned on. Dance Yrself Clean. And instead of crying when I got home and feeling sorry for myself, I made pasta and watched the Great Pottery Throwdown. Life actually isn't that bad. I'll probably take that back in a day but that's besides the point. Yes the sad music is comforting. Yes it sounds so good. But happiness actually feels pretty good too, if not better. Find yourself a song that you feel good about. I call it my bumpin' song. Since it makes me wanna dance as someone who literally has never busted a move in her life. 

    Well that's my two cents for today. You've been great. And tip your waitress. Just kidding, there is no waitress. 

Getting Comfortable with Doing Things Alone

     Good morning, afternoon, and evening from the bathroom floor. I know I disappeared for a second there, the school year starting threw off my vibe. Today I wanna talk about something I'm still in the process of learning: how to do things alone. Throughout my life, I've missed out on a lot of opportunities just because I didn't want to do it alone. But I've also always been sort of alone. Even with a huge friend group, or just one close friend, I still have this loneliness taking over me. I think it stems from the feeling that nobody really knows me. Not that I let them. But it feels as though no one takes the time to. So my mission, in my senior year of high school, is to get comfortable being alone. In Nadine's words from The Edge of Seventeen, "I have to spend the rest of my life with myself." So I guess we have to get comfortable with ourselves, right?

    I think we're both pondering how you do that. Personally, I think it starts small. I have a car. License. Money. Free will. But I don't do anything with it. I sulk in bed all day complaining to myself about feeling alone. Start small. I went to the grocery store alone. Then I went to get some painting stuff. I got food alone. Picked up my antidepressants alone. I'm doing some gradual exposure here. My next plans (although quite the large jump), are to go on a hike. No one's coming. Just me. And my headphones, obviously. There won't be someone holding your hand for the rest of your life. No one talking at the doctors for you. Ordering food for you. Speaking for you. You have to be your own advocate. 

    If you're anything like me, the thought of doing stuff alone at school is terrifying. Literally a trigger of my fight or flight. The other day at school, I went out to lunch, sat down at the lunch table, and waited. I expected everyone to come around since their stuff was sitting at the table. But I spent that 30 minute lunch period completely alone. Naturally, this was reminiscent of my elementary years so I began to tear up. Although I made a decision. I needed to be okay with being alone. And yeah, it really sucked. Sitting alone at lunch watching everyone laugh with their friends. But I made the most of it. I thought about bursting into my favorite teachers room and crying. I thought about locking myself in a bathroom stall and calling my mom. But I decided not to. I sat there, for 30 minutes, doodling in my AP Stats notebook. And guess what, I survived. And it was okay. Being alone was okay. 

    We can't run from ourselves forever. We are in fact stuck with our reflection. So you better get comfortable with it. You'll warm up to it, just like you did to the bathroom floor. 

Media That's Made Me Feel Less Alone (1/?)

     Good morning, afternoon, and evening from the bathroom floor. I'm gonna start a series (I know crazy). It's gonna be all about the media that's made me feel a hell of a lot less alone. Luckily, there's a good amount of it. It'll be anywhere from books, to movies, to paintings, and more. Today I need to talk about the movie that quite literally altered my life and I watch at least once a week: The Edge of Seventeen. 

    Here's a little summary (without spoilers) for those of you interested. Nadine is a 17 year old girl whose father passed away when she was younger. He was the only person she really connected with and now she's stuck with her mother, who loves to let her know she doesn't like her. To make matters even better, her older brother is extremely popular and those two do not get along. Eventually her best (and really only) friend begins to date her brother. This throws everything completely out of balance and Nadine's world starts spinning out of control. She'll occasionally vent to her teacher, but he responds with tough love. The story progresses from there. (GO WATCH THE MOVIE) (I screamed when it was on Disney+ because I payed to buy it).

    Nadine is a character of which I heavily resonate in. Having the golden child be your perfect amazing older brother. But the biggest thing that resulted in me seeing myself in her, was when she was drunk out of her mind, on the bathroom floor, her best friend holding her hair back, and she said, "I just had the worst thought. I gotta spend the rest of my life with myself." That's the kind of thought that I've been thinking since I was 11. And to hear that I wasn't crazy, that it was actually not insane to feel that way, I felt a little less alone. Actually a lot. Nadine is surrounded by people who don't understand her, who judge her for her every move and don't take into account how she's impacted by a situation. The portrayal of being a 17 year old girl, with no one to go to, no one who even attempts to understand, is unfortunately, something I resonate deeply with. I think Nadine's relationship with Mr. Bruner (her teacher), is especially relatable for more people than just me. When you have or have had a lack of parental presence, physically or emotionally, you are naturally drawn to adults who you feel can take on that role for you. I believe she especially trusted him because of her loss of her father. He became such a prominent figure in her life, especially as she and her mother began to clash more and more. I think she's such a good characterization of people who struggle with absent families, loneliness, and difficult home lives.

    Overall, The Edge Of Seventeen is literally a masterpiece that in my opinion, captures the essence of being a 17 year old girl. Every single scene has meaning; there's no filler scenes where you sit there and wonder what is happening. It's all meaningful and relatable to some degree. Watch it.